I haven't been up to much, just trying to figure out the world

I am deathly afraid of funerals.
I can't go up and look at the people in the casket because I think that they're just pretending or something, and that they'll sit up and scare the hell out of me and be like "What is this? a funeral?" And that would be a little funny, but I always think that they are just possibly unconcious and not dead at all.

I am also deathly afraid of someone I love dying. Like my mom or Mikaela or Tess or Hannah or Megan. I can't even begin to describe how scared I am of that.

I am also afraid of people leaving me. I'm just so used to it, though. My dad became someone I don't even know anymore, and he left. He's now married to Linda. Ugh. I've had a lot of my best friends leave me, or change completely. Most times I just sort of push people away. I figure they're going to leave sooner or later, so why not just save myself some hurt. I really suck at letting people in and seeing the real me. Not the fake, smiley, happy, bitchy person I put on at school, and to most people actually.

I believe that fake confidence is a good thing. Because then people can't see how broken you really are inside. How you truly feel where your "smiling" or laughing. How you're most likely thinking I really shouldn't feel this way, and how am I going to tell anyone, and how you finally realize you just can't. People may say that they understand your life, but really they only understand some of the certain things you share in common. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be angsty or anything, just sort of looking at everything in a different point of view.

"I haven't been up to much. Just trying to figure out the world."