Stop walking

The birds and clouds have been teasing me.
they always tease.
How come it is that they have wings and can fly away whenever they want and we can't?
I would love to run away.
I'm a great lier.
No one ever really knows just how great of a lier.
partially because they can't tell when I'm lying to them.
I feel like I'm drowning and there's no one there to save.
I know who I want to save me, but I also know
that he won't.
I feel like I've been walking a path my entire life, and I just really want to stop walking. I wish life would stop. Or that someone would stop it for me. I don't think I have the guts to do it myself.
I don't think I could hurt people that way.
Do you ever wish you could die, but then be alive at your funeral? Just to see who would be there, just to see who would cry?
I wish that a lot.
People always say they care
But I never believe them.
I don't think I ever have.
they may say that they wouldn't like it if I died
But I'm constantly wonder if anyone would really miss me.
I hate feeling things.
I hate feelings.
When you have feelings you can never really control what you're going to say, what you're going to think, what you're going to do.
I hate not being in control. That bothers me. Liking boys bothers me. It's just easier to hate people. There was this boy on the bus going to Oltman for our softball game. On the way back I kept on looking at him. He looked at me a couple times, I think. Katie said he was looking at me a lot, but When you're right next to a window that he could've been looking out of, it's kind of hard to tell.
I've always been able to control what boy I like and how long I like him. I can stop liking someone with the snap of my fingers. It's always been like that. It's always worked. My friends don't like a boy I like, he's history.
I think I might like this one.
I also think that I'm scared as hell of this fact.
I know his name, and I know he plays baseball (3rd base). But he talks to girls like Amy and Sami and Mariah, and girls like that. I'm not a girl like that.
I never will be a girl like that.
I wish boys like him would like girls like me.
It's never going to happen so why bother? I mean, really. Thnik of what would happen. He would ask me out, and then we'd go out for a while, have sex, we'd break up and that would be the end. We should really just imagine the end before we begin.
I hate that I always do that.
sorry. I was rambling.
Oh, why can't I be like the birds and fly away? Life would be so much easier, that having to deal with this. Feeling things, this isn't good. I want to stop liking him. I don't even know him. How can I like him? GOD! I HATE THIS STUPID WORLD! WHY CAN'T IT BE LIKE MY BOOKS. Easy. Simple.
My life is like a path I've been walking all my life, and all I really want to do is stop walking.